5 years or 1825 days or even 43829.0639 hours you have been gone! I don't need a calendar to tell me, I just feel it in my heart. It's like a big black cloud comes over and you just want to run away somewhere and hide. Each year it seems to hurt more not less. Whether it's because it seems ages since I last saw you or the grief is slowly seeping away, so I feel more. Sometimes I get so angry at you leaving me to sort this out all by myself, then that gets replaced by a smile when I look at Jensen. You would of been such great buddies, he is the spit of you with a little bit of my genes to calm him down. When I look back on the person I was when you was here , I really don't recognise myself anymore. I've changed so much and not sure if it is for the good or not. It's so hard to keep being so optimistic when things keep happening in life, that bangs you straight back down to the ground. I take strength from the fact that I managed to carry on when you left, but I can't help but wonder how much a person can take in a life time. Today I am going to spend the day watching home videos, it's the one thing I haven't managed to do in the past years. I'm hoping they bring me laughter and not tears, because in 10 years of being together. We had so much laughter. You are never far from anyone's thoughts and you will always be a milestone that I will never forget xxxx